Stop Being a Pushover: Tips for Assertive Boundary Setting, Not Aggres

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Stop Being a Pushover: Tips for Assertive Boundary Setting, Not Aggressive Ones.

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Setting boundaries with others is important to develop healthy, strong relationships with others in which everyone knows where they stand.

Setting clear expectations for others is a form of kindness and demonstrates respect - it helps those in your life to know what is acceptable and isn't acceptable within your relationship so that they don't unwittingly, needlessly cause stress and strain the relationship by stepping over the line if they didn't know where the line was to begin with.

Assertiveness and aggressiveness are two terms that are often confused with each other, but they actually represent very different communication styles.

While assertiveness is a positive and constructive approach to communication, aggressiveness is often seen as negative and destructive. In this blog post, we will explore the differences between assertiveness and aggressiveness, and provide some tips on how to be more assertive.

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to communicate effectively and express one’s needs, wants, and opinions in a clear and confident manner, while respecting the rights and needs of others. Assertive communication involves being clear, direct, and honest, while avoiding aggression or manipulation. Assertive individuals are able to stand up for themselves without infringing on the rights of others.

What is Aggressiveness?

Aggressiveness, on the other hand, is an approach to communication that involves dominating, intimidating, or manipulating others to get what one wants - who cares about the other person's needs.

Aggressive communication can take many forms, including shouting, insulting, threatening, and using physical force or intimidation. It doesn't make for pleasant or productive relationships and doesn't make people super inclined to want to help them when they need it.

Lack of Boundaries Can Impact Your Relationships

Here's an example for you: Let's say you have a night-time routine you enjoy and therefore really don't like people calling you after nine at night and interrupting you. But you have a friend, Anna, who constantly calls you to chat after nine because that's when she gets off work, or she's put the kids to bed and finally has some time to herself. Argh, she's so annoying and interrupting your favorite time of the day!

Anna's phone calls in the evening are more of an annoyance, you might become a bit snippy and short with her. Yeah, yeah, she's got good news she wants to share with her close friend but she's being a pain right now because yet again she's ruining your evening.

But... does she know you don't want to be interrupted after nine?

By not asserting your boundaries around evening phone calls, you are likely becoming annoyed at your friend and it's affecting your relationship. She doesn't know why you seem frustrated with her all the time, and you might eventually want to break off the friendship because you've started associating Anna with annoyance.

But is it really her fault if you never expressed that it was a problem?

How to be Assertive

Being assertive is an important skill to develop for effective communication and healthy relationships, .

Actions You Can Take to Assert and Maintain Boundaries

Being assertive and maintaining boundaries are essential for healthy, respectful relationships, effective communication, and personal growth, but it can take some practice.

Here are some tools for how to be assertive and maintain boundaries:

Identify your boundaries:

The first step to maintaining boundaries is to identify them. Think about what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with in various situations, such as at work, in relationships, or with friends. Being aware of your boundaries can help you communicate them clearly to others.

Use "I" statements:

When communicating your boundaries, use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. This can help you express your needs and feelings without blaming or accusing the other person and reduces the potential for the conversation to derail into defensiveness. For example, instead of saying "You never listen to me," say "I feel unheard when you interrupt me." The statements mean the same thing, but imagine the difference in the reaction they would both get? One would likely cause an argument whereas the other might cause them to reflect on their behavior.

Be clear and specific:

When communicating your boundaries, be clear and specific about what you want or need. This can help avoid misunderstandings and confusion and keep relationships strong. For example, instead of saying "I need you to be more supportive," say "I need you to listen to me without interrupting and then offer me your perspective."

As well as speaking clearly, you need to listen actively: Active listening is an important part of assertive communication, so make sure to listen to the other person's perspective and acknowledge their feelings and needs.

Practice saying "no":

Saying "no" can be difficult, especially for people pleasers who want everyone to like them, who don't want to rock the boat, who want to be a team player.

But saying "no" is essential for setting and maintaining your boundaries. Practice saying "no" in a polite and assertive way, such as "I'm sorry, but I can't take on any more work right now."

Use positive body language:

Body language plays a big role in communication, we've all experienced mixed messages from someone when, for example, their hostile and tense body language doesn't line up with the "it's all good, babes," words that are coming out of their mouth.

Sometimes you can tell it is, in fact, not all good and thy might vent their frustration about you to others. When practicing your boundary setting, use positive body language, such as maintaining eye contact, standing up straight, and speaking clearly and confidently, to communicate your boundaries effectively.

Practice self-care:

Maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially if you're not used to it, so be kind to yourself, alright? You're stretching outside of your comfort zone and potentially pushing back on requests from people when you haven't done that before.

Stop beating yourself up about it if it doesn't go well the first time or takes you a few tries before if becomes comfortable. Remind yourself that you're learning, you're getting better, no one is perfect at anything their first try. You're building a new muscle and it will get stronger with practice.

Being assertive and maintaining boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and your own personal growth. By identifying what and where your boundaries are, using "I" statements, being clear and specific, practicing saying "no," using positive body language, and being gentle with yourself in the process, you can communicate your boundaries effectively and maintain strong and healthy relationships.