Feeling unlovable can be a difficult and painful experience and it’s, sadly, not uncommon to experience moments when you feel unlovable, as if there’s an invisible barrier separating you from the love and connection you crave. I've been there and I'm sure I'll be there again one day. It can feel awful, right?

But why do we feel this way? Why do we sometimes fall into feeling like other people deserve love, regardless of the mistakes they make and their multitude of flaws that make them human, but there is something so fundamentally lacking in ourselves that we don’t deserve love from others, we can’t see what others would love about us?

This feeling can be influenced by various factors, such as the compounding feeling of past experiences of rejection, self-doubt, or societal pressures that create unrealistic standards.

Remember, you are worthy of love and belonging, just as you are! There is no one type of person who deserves love more than anyone else.

Look around you at the young and old of all personalities and appearances, be they friends, colleagues, family or romantic partners. If everyone else can be valued and loved, why wouldn't people love and cherish you?

Here are a few tips that may help you begin to let love back into your life, from others and from yourself.

Seek professional help

To help you work through the underlying causes of these (completely wrong!) feelings and belief that you're unloveable, talking to a therapist or counselor can help. An external viewpoint and unbiased opinion can help you see your situation, behaviors, thoughts and feelings, and those of others, from a different perspective and open your eyes to other interpretations and beliefs.

Practice self-care

This site talks about self care a lot. But there's good reason! Make sure you are taking care of yourself physically and emotionally, by eating well, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that bring you joy, whatever they may be. You don't need to - and shouldn't! - wait for someone else to treat you well. Treat yourself as well as you would treat someone you love. Be compassionate and understanding to yourself, buy yourself some flowers on a rough day or simply because they make you happy.

Connect with loved ones

Reach out to friends and loved ones for support and connection. If you have friends and loved ones, their care for you is evidence that you have qualities that others enjoy and they want to be around you. Everyone's lives get busy at times and we have to prioritize other aspects of our lives, but just because their attention may sometimes be elsewhere, it doesn't mean they don't care and spending time with those you care about and allowing them to demonstrate they care for you, too, can do a lot to push those inaccurate beliefs to the bin.

Consider that it might not be about you

Connect with new people

If those you love are not providing you with what you need currently, branching out and meeting new people can provide the validation you need. Volunteering or joining a group can also help you feel more connected to others and introduce you to more unbiased, new and favorable opinions of you, building further evidence that you are worthy of others affection and love. Maybe those who don't appear to love you aren't the right people for you. When you find the right ones, the ones who truly get you, you'll wonder what you were even thinking in the first place.

Challenge negative thoughts

So please, this is an important one: recognize and challenge any negative thoughts you have about yourself. Just because you thought it doesn't make it a fact! Remind yourself that these thoughts are not accurate and they’re not based on facts, and focus your attention instead on your positive qualities and accomplishments.

Just because you thought it doesn't make it a fact.

Practice gratitude

I can't stress this enough, ever. Focusing on the good things, being grateful for the small things that bring you joy will rewire your brain to see and expect the good things and filter out the more negative experiences and interactions. Focus on the things in your life that you are grateful for, and try to appreciate the good things that happen to you each day. The positive interactions you have with others are further evidence that you are not unloveable.

Practice self-compassion

Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend. Remember that everyone has things they don’t like about their appearance, and that it’s normal to have insecurities.

Surround yourself with positive role models

Surround yourself with people of all different shapes, sizes, ages, ethnicities, who have a positive regard for themselves and others, modelling that there is not one type of person who is lovable, but everyone is deserving of love – including you.

Find alternative forms of self-esteem

Instead of relying on physical appearance for self-esteem, find other sources of self-worth, such as your accomplishments, talents, or personal values.

Remember that everyone has their own struggles and it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. It takes time and effort but with support, self-compassion, and some effort, you can work through these feelings and regain a sense of self-worth.

You're not unloveable. I promise.